A slighty more serious blog post from me today!
Abu Dawood (2050) narrated that Maâ€™qil ibn Yasaar said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, â€œI have found a woman who is of good lineage and is beautiful, but she does not children. Should I marry her?â€ He said, â€œNo.â€ Then he came again with the same question and he told him not to marry her. Then he came a third time with the same question and he said: â€œMarry those who are loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers before the other nations.â€ Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwaâ€™ al-Ghaleel, 1784.
In Islam you are encouraged to marry and the above hadith seems to suggest that is it encouraged to have children as it has been indicated to marry fertile women.
Therefore it can be quite distressing when you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Unexplained infertility simply means that your doctors cannot find a medical reason as to why there are fertility issues. It is quite frustrating if all the tests come back clear and you aren’t given a reason as to why 2/3/4 years of trying and you haven’t managed to conceive. However, on the plus side you know that physically nothing is wrong with you and your husband. On the downside, you do not have a reason as to why you cannot conceive and you wonder why Allah Subhana Wa Taala does not yet want to bless you with a child. The question ‘Why?’ dominates your thoughts day in and day out, and each month the disappointment gets worse when you realise that yet again you haven’t managed to conceive. It must be worse for those women who are trying for their first child. It can begin to feel like everyone around you is having a child except you.
I remember an old school friend of mine who was desperate for a child. She was the motherly one whereas I used to say ‘I ain’t going through all that pain to have a crying, stinking baby who never lets me sleep’ (Hey my defence is I was young and dealing with a whingy nephew at that time).
When I found out I was pregnant I contacted her to let her know. I was scared but excited and wanted to share it with her. She wasn’t home and I told her husband to let her know. She didn’t ring me back immediately and when she did her response was ‘But you didn’t even want to have kids. I’m the one that wants them.’
I must say our friendship then did struggle as a result. I did not feel as though I could share my pregnancy journey with her and she rarely asked how the pregnancy was going. I avoided all baby related talk with her and when I thought I had miscarried I felt I could not turn to her even then. My best friend…..and I couldn’t even share the most amazing and terrifying experience of my life with her.
When H was born they did come to see her. But sat there most of the time looking wistfully at her. They did not even bring a small gift for her or anything. Don’t get me wrong I’m not after gifts but everyone else who visited gave something, however small, and my best friend didn’t.
She finally managed to conceive and I was so happy for her. I was getting constant updates from her, texts saying she felt baby kick etc. At one point (on a bad day) I felt so angry thinking I could not share my pregnancy with her and now she wants to tell me the ins and outs of hers. Then I calmed myself down thinking it has taken her years and lots of money to conceive so clearly she is going to be excited.
Unfortunately we drifted away and are not as close as what we once were.
I guess what I am trying to say is trying to conceive can be a struggle for some. So be patient with them as they will find it hard if everyone else around them is conceiving. However, if you are trying to conceive then its not entirely fair to make someone else feel guilty for conceiving, taking away some of their joy at being pregnant.
I pray that all sisters trying to conceive are blessed with a child soon inshAllah and remember Allah Subhana Wa Taala is the best of planners.