Separation and learning from it

Hubby was recently away for 2 months, and the separation I think has done us a lot of good.

When I first realised he was going to be gone that long, I had a mixture of feelings; from anger that it was going to be for 2 months, to panic as to how I was going to cope alone for that long. Although I pretty much do everything, ie the school run, taking Munchkin to Quran class every evening, appointments etc, it was just nice to know that hubby would be home in the evening and I could get a break for a short while….although the break never really materialised as I used to use that time to do any housework that may have been left over.

What a glamourous life hey?

But being separated taught us a few things, and as they say distance makes the heart grow fonder!

I coped. I learnt that I can totally cope alone.

In fact I coped very well even if I do say so myself.

I coped even better than when hubby is here.

We had a routine going. Bedtimes were earlier, and there was no grumbling or tantrums; the girls pretty much did as they asked. Because they knew there was no dad to help them escape mum and her demands.

And I didn’t have to cook as much curry!! *does a little happy jig*

But on a more serious note, both my self and my hubby used the time to think about our marriage.

He realised how much he was missing his family. And we both realised we needed to make more of an effort.

We have been married now for almost 9 years alhamdulillah. And I could guess you could say we were stuck in a bit of a rut. Things were in all honesty getting a bit stale and boring. He was busy at work (partly due to saving for hajj) and I was just busy with the kids and just totally focusing on Bee, because I was annoyed that he was always at work. So then I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed.

And without realising it, we were both suffering.

Being apart has taught us both that we need to make more of an effort. To not just be stuck in the same routine, to do spontaneous things, to basically just LIVE. There is more to life than wake up, eat, work, eat, deal with kids, eat and then go back to sleep.

So some changes need to be made.

To be a successful marriage, and continue to be a successful marriage, some time and effort needs to be put in.

And we are ready to do that.

It is important to make sure you have some time to yourselves as a couple. Bee is a late sleeper, by they time she goes to sleep, we are also ready for bed….or the hubby is already asleep as he is tired after work. Having some couple time to just sit and chat without having kids hanging on to you is vital.

So Change 1 – Get the girls to bed earlier so we can have a bit of time to ourselves.

Following on from change 1 is spending time as a family. Hubby works weekends, and has a day off during the weekday. Therefore Munchkin missed out because she is at school.  This isn’t ideal as it prevents us from spending time as a family and actually doing things so:

Change 2 – Take at least one day off at the weekend in as much weeks as possible during the month.

This way we can plan days out when the weather is nice, or just have some quality family time at home.

 

Squashing daddy on his return!
Squashing daddy on his return!

So what other changes could be made?

 

Change 3 – Be a bit more spontaneous and adventurous, do something different every once in a while

Ok this may not be particularly adventurous but since he has returned we have started going out for breakfast on his days off after dropping Munchkin at school. Even something as small as this makes a difference; we get to go out, sit somewhere different, chat and just enjoy each others company.

 

Change 4  – Send each other nice messages throughout the day

Yes you see each other in the morning and in the evening, but it’s nice to send each other a text or something throughout the day. It shows that you are thinking of each other and missing each other. Even if one of my messages is ‘Oi Smelly what are you doing?’ (OK OK I’m not as nasty as that!)

And the most obvious

Change 5 – Don’t forget to say ‘ I love you’ regularly

 

There’s plenty more changes we can make but I don’t want to bore you all to death, plus some are personal!

So what tips do you have for keeping the magic alive with your partner?

 

 

 

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  • Mashallah :)) I could have written this post and my husband only went for 12 days. I particularly identify with what you say about keeping a marriage “alive”. We are working on it too inshallah. Inshallah the changes you make will make a lovely difference to you. I am in awe of you coping for 2 months by the way, I really struggled with the lack of adult company 🙁
    I love your new blog platform btw 😉 xx
    AtoZ Mummy recently posted…Me TimeMy Profile

    • Thank you!

      I think it helped keeping myself busy..went baby and toddler group most mornings and arranged meet ups with friends!

      And thanks…am glad I made the change to WP! x

  • It’s great that your time apart gave you the opportunity to notice and think about what things you could work on! Our situation is quite similiar, we have been married for the same amount of time, and husband works long hours etc. We try to do some of these things too, and i do notice that when we have the chance to spend more time together either as a whole family or as a couple, it mkes such a difference compared to those weeks when everyone is just working all the time!!

  • This is an interesting post. It’s true that over time we tend to concentrate on work and kids and eventually forget little joys of life together. I am glad for you that you got an opportunity to think over it. Good luck with all plans. May Allah bless!

  • I soooo relate to this, beautifully written as well. Presently I am living in France and my husband works in London half of the month. I also wasn’t sure I would cope on my own in a new place with a different language , but I can and I do. When he is back it’s a little bit like a holiday every time, and quality time is the piority with and without the kids.

  • A great post. My husband worked away from home 5-6 days a week for 6 years. It was hard and it is only since illness has forced a lifestyle change on us that he has realised how much he was missing out on. We make more time for each other and to do things as a family unit now and have really felt the benefit.
    Louisa recently posted…Are contact lenses a suitable option for children?My Profile

  • I am so happy to read this, cause you too learnt from this experience and are both ready to make efforts for your marriage to last and be happy. Cause, you are so right there is much more about life than just sleep, eat, wake up and work.
    Wishing you all the best.
    I now understand my ex-husband was not ready at all to make efforts to spend more time with me. In fact, except eating and sleeping, we were not doing anything together. Forget about chatting or going for a walk, it was synonym to nightmare to him. He should have married his friends instead!! LOL

    Love to all and have a beautiful day Foz. xx

  • I love this post. I think you are so right – I have found that we really have to sometimes get back to basics and break those sneaky bad habits that form. It does such good for your marriage/relationship and i’m convinced that a happy relationship makes happy children too!

  • This is so true! My hubby is out the door by 8am and doesn’t return until 9pm and its so frustrating. He never has weekends off as he is not allowed to so we make an effort to go out on at least one of his days off, even if it is for a stroll!

  • This has struck a lot of chords with me. I think you just become overwhelmed with the work of children, then add the fact that you might disagree sometimes because of them, and you just get into a rut. We went through a similar thought process recently, and although it’s hard to keep going with it, the changes have made a difference to our relationship.

  • This is such a thoughtful list. I’m often on my own as my husband works away and it does make you realise that 1) you can cope because you have to and 2) that you shouldn’t take things for granted. Familt time is definitely important but maybe not as crucial as relationship time.

  • I’m naturally a very selfish person so I’ve never been of the ‘children come first’ mentality, more of a ‘we all need to be happy’ one. We do snap and grumble like any couple but make sure we spend lots of time together doing non-parental things, the things we did before we had children – which is much easier now that our two are both at school.
    Good on you for looking closely at your relationship and working out the things that need to be done to help keep things happy and fresh x

  • Wonderful post Foz. Good for you…It’s a wonderful thing to show the kids as well. This is something that I think about a lot when hubs and I are away from each other but learned that it’s not just about long distance separation. NOW he surprises me by cleaning the house and leaving flowers, and I’ll do things like sending him a note in the mail, lol.