When you hear about forced marriages, the focus is pretty much always on the person who is actually being forced to marry. Sometimes we forget that there is another victim; the other partner who may not actually be being forced to marry and has no idea that their future spouse is not happy.
Being forced to marry effects you emotionally, and you won’t necessarily bond with your spouse, making married life very difficult. I would like to say a big thank you to the latest sister who has shared her story for my forced marriages series. Thank you for making us think of the bigger picture.
Forced marriages are more complicated and heart breaking than we think. I’m going to talk about a victim of a forced marriage who actually wasn’t the one that was forced to marry but she was the one someone was forced to marry. Confused? Read on.
Usually when we hear about forced marriages, we think lots of girls who have been married off without their consent. But there exists a form of forced marriage in the Asian community which we don’t know much about. And that is when a son is asked to get married according to his parents likes/dislikes. It’s a known fact, sons usually get what they want so the idea of them being forced to do something comes across silly. But it happens. And I’m living in a marriage where my husband was, according to him forced to marry me. He didn’t want to marry within his own community but that’s what his family wanted. Right after we got married he told me he was forced stated that I couldn’t expect any form of happiness from him because his heart isn’t in the marriage.
I on the other hand came into the marriage thinking I’m doing it the right way by having an arranged marriage, someone my parents have picked and was looking forward to starting a new life. But this was not to be the case.
I was emotionally and financially neglected in my marriage. He told me he behaved in this manner to make me end the marriage and leave him. It caused me much heartache but I didn’t want to give up and thought I should stick by it in hope of something good.
But the truth is no matter how much happiness you think you’ll gain over time and through acceptance, it just doesn’t happen.
The fact that my husband never wanted to marry me is something that lingers in our lives. Over 7 years together and I think we’ve only learnt to live together rather than want or desire. It’s made me a very bitter person. Although my husband now tells me he has changed his view point but I find it extremely difficult to accept it and relate all that goes wrong in our marriage to the fact that he never wanted me.
It can seem like I’m not letting go, but these things affect people in ways more than what meets the eye.
I blame the lack of Islamic understanding in peoples lives the reason for forced marriages to take place. Islam is completely against such behaviour and views marriage as a back bone for a healthy society that produces loving children who grow up to be obedient slaves. And all this is affected in the long run when people take the steps of forcing someone to get married. They just don’t realise to what extent it affects a person and their whole future. I tried to do the sensible thing and didn’t end my marriage but now I’m living with the consequences of a broken heart and a very insecure mind. Even now I stay awake at night sometimes wondering if I could turn back the clocks I would marry someone else. This kind of thinking is not unhealthy but unIslamic but I feel the cause of it is because someone didn’t think what forcing a marriage would do.
My plea to all reading this, when you get married please do find out exactly what the other person wants. And to those that think it’s ok to convince someone to marry a person they don’t want to: NO, IT’S NOT O.K!
You ruin more than one life and in a forced marriage there are more victims than we think.
If you would like to participate in my series and share your story then please feel free to contact me in the strictest of confidence
Wow the paint art work is amazing and such a good post.
It must be heartbreaking to be in an unhappy marriage and this is such a heartfelt post. I had assumed that the men in the relationship got to choose who they married and the women didn’t.
Such a sad read. I hope the author finds happiness in life. x
Sonya Cisco recently posted…Access to Higher Education
A thought provoking post. It is true that the focus is usually on the person being ‘forced’ but the author is right there are more than just one victims of this. I really hope she finds peace, strength and some happiness in her life.
A really heartbreaking post. It must be so hard to live like this.
Such a sad story. I know that you’re not guaranteed happiness even if you marry for love, but it must be so hard to be in a marriage where you know someone was forced into it against their wishes. Like Sonya says, I hope the author can find some happiness.
Laura recently posted…My soft play confession
In a way I can relate to this hard and sad story. In every case a forced mariage is kind of a lie. And it destroys many lives. Where to find happiness and contentment, after all of this? Maybe with time, we just have to accept it or leave the relationship.
I was not forced in the same way. I just had to deal with the pressure of a community of people, who thought that they knew better than me what was good for me. And obviously it was a big mess.
Thank you for the lady who shared this story. May God ease a pain and grant her some peace in her tough married life.
Marie recently posted…New morning
What a sad story. You must be so very strong. I can imagine being that strong for so long can be exausting. Alhamdulillah. May Allah reward you in this life and the next one for your patience, ameen <3
May Allah reward you & bless you with happiness here and in the here after ameen..
islam does stress alot on women n mens righrs wd regrds to marriage especially..unfortunately we do not adhere to those rights under pressure of society n family…may Allah help u find acceptance n peace of mind in your matters 🙂
A beneficial post which gives another perspective on the issue at hand.
Thanks for sharing.
Aaliyah | http://www.thelifeofaaliyah.com
people should never be forced to marry someone they don’t like. i’ve seen a lot of my friends being forced to marry. but Alhamdulillah, I think they’ve managed to develop love into their marriage, despite it being forced. but still, i am not a fan of forced marriages. -__- It’s a good thing my family isn’t, too!
Kai recently posted…Lilpink Travels: The Okonomiyaki (お好み焼き) Experience
May God help and give patience to those who are unhappy with their marriages. It is so sad to read about others in pain.
Fatima – http://www.blogsbyfa.com
That is so sad. Imagine if there are children (?).
Never seen it like that. Amazing series. Would follow up in sha Allah
Such a heart-breaking and honest post. JazakAllah for your openess. It must take sooo much courage. I pray that Allah grants your eternal happiness and bliss. Such an inspiration you are 🙂
Very heartwarming read. May Allah bestow his blessing on all.
Eat Healthy Stay Healthy 🙂
Jazaakillah khayr… what an interesting perspective…
It’s sad anyone has to go through this type of marriage – man or woman. Overcoming such cultural issues will take a lot of education, engagement and empowerment.
It always amazes me how culture and religion can not be combined. As we know forced marriage is not allowed in Islam yet some people tend to think its something permissible *smh.
umm asiya recently posted…The community
Omg I am completely shocked by thus story. I guess it’s because I come from a culture where forced marriages and even arranged marriages are unheard of I just can’t get my head round it. I feel so sad for this women. I think divorce is the best option in this situation. She deserves happiness and it’s clear she won’t get it by being stuck in this unhappy marriage.
I just read thru… This has soo much of depth. It’s beautifully written. I always believed in “married happily forever” but this showed me the other side of life. may ALLAH bless all.